Fedex announces the World FedEx Cup Championship games
DeShawn Brown, Real Real News Network sports journalist, reporting live from the starting line of the first annual World FedEx Cup Championships.
According to secret information provided to RRNN by a WFC snitch, WFC scoured the local obituaries for the three customers who will unknowingly participate in the action here today. Each of the customers has recently lost a loved one and needs to ship the ashes and some priceless heirlooms a few miles away before the funeral, which is only seven days from now. FedEx has offered to cover the shipping and funeral expenses if the customer brings the items here. They have signed waivers that even Alan Dershowitz or Johnnie Cochran can’t beat. Unbeknownst to them, Granny is in for a hell of a ride.
Tension is building as the FedEx Package Care teams and our shipping customers are beginning to arrive. Here comes a customer with a box. Let’s talk to her:
DeShawn: Excuse me. I’m DeShawn Brown, RRNN sports reporter. Can you tell me your name and what brings you to the WFC championships?
Customer: Hi, I’m Bambi Blindside. Championships? I don’t know what that is. I got a call from FedEx. They told me they had heard that my sweet grandmother had passed away and they offered to ship her heirloom belongings for free and to pay for her funeral if I would bring everything here. Some really nice people helped pack everything really well.
DeShawn: Can you describe what’s in the box?
Bambi (sniffling): Yes. Some of Nana’s most cherished items. Her fine porcelain dishware, diamond jewelry, a priceless vase, and the crystal urn with her ashes. I wanted to carry the ashes myself. The funeral is only seven days away, but the guy at FedEx said they had a special Package Care team that would take care of Nana. He sounded so sincere, but I could almost picture him making little finger quotes when he said the words ‘take care of Nana’. But I know I’m a really bad driver, and I wanted Nana to be safe. Besides, my sister only lives 50 miles away. She lives in the garage behind Nana’s old house (sniff, sniff).
DeShawn: Thanks Bambi.
Here comes the head of the WFC Championship himself, Sterling Scamworth.
Mr. Scamworth, can you tell our readers about the WFC contestants?
Sterling Scamworth: Sure DeShawn. Each team consists of a driver and a customer service rep in India. The drivers and service reps have been carefully chosen based on customer feedback from the last year. Let me tell you, we have some real champs here. Our drivers are heading to their trucks now.
(Scamworth points to slovenly dressed guy smoking a cigarette) That’s Jimmy ‘the Fence’ Boudreaux. Last year, he lost six thousand packages, including a live giraffe.
(Scamworth points to a goth girl in black boots and torn black jeans nipping from a hip flask) That’s ‘Smashin’ Stacy LaSalle. Don’t let her small size fool you. She can chuck a box of dishes more than 30 yards. We’re quite proud to have gotten her from the women’s prison. Quite a catch, I must say.
(Scamworth points to a huge man in a wife beater T shirt sulking in a corner) Our last driver doesn’t really have a name. He’s never had a driver’s license as far as we know, but he stole one of our trucks and we can’t get it back. He just shows up every morning, so we fill it up. He just goes by Bull.
Each driver has a customer service rep, also chosen from customer feedback. Obviously, they are in India, so we can’t meet them. That doesn’t really matter since none of them really speak English anyway. Uh-oh. Bull is tearing down the security fence again. I gotta’ go. “Bull, what the f**k are you doing?”
So, what is the World FedEx Cup? It’s American Ninja, the Baja 1000 and a demolition derby, all rolled into one exciting sport Think of The Package as a football. The goal is simple. Do as much damage to The Package as possible while executing delay maneuvers to avoid being caught by destination customers. Drivers leave the starting line 30 minutes apart. For the first day, they try to put as much distance between The Package and the destination as possible. On the morning of day two, a WFC dispatcher will then direct them to one of the WFC gaming sites. There are four games they must compete in.
The first gaming site is called Truck Packing. WFC has filled a storage lot with heavy items to add to their truck. Drivers have up to 30 minutes to choose from items like heavy barbells, bowling balls, and engine blocks on wheeled pallets. Contest officials ensure that the customer’s package is squarely in the center of the truck, and that nothing is tied down before the driver leaves the facility. Drivers must use their skill to pack the truck with heavy items, but not so full that they can't properly slam against each other. It is really an art.
The next gaming site is called simply The Road. It is a twisty dirt road that has just been graded into a veritable washboard vibrator. It also has other hazards like deep ruts, puddles and road obstacles. Things like old trailer wheels, dead skunks and car bumpers are strewn along its length. The Road is used by Baja 1000 race teams to test their race vehicles. Not many of them survive The Road. Speed and precision are the goals here. Drive as fast as possible and hit as many bumps and obstacles as possible without blowing a tire or puncturing an oil pan that might stop a driver and allow the customer to find the package. Drivers are scored on time and how many objects they can run over. Dragging a car bumper all the way to the finish line or tossing the dead skunk into The Package gets a driver extra points.
The third gaming site is called Package Trundling. Each driver chooses a point along a steep rocky cliff. He then backs his truck up to the cliff and pitches the package over the edge. Special decibel meters, tuned to the frequency of breaking glass, are installed along the cliff face to record the carnage. Drivers are scored by the total RMS value of the breaking glass sounds.
The last gaming site is called Package Repair. Each driver is given unlimited rolls of clear packing tape to attempt to repair The Package. When finished, the driver is scored on the ratio of the weight of the items remaining in The Package compared to the weight of the packing tape used.
Throughout the race, points are deducted for not losing The Package at least once, placing the package with the THIS SIDE UP arrows pointing up, securing any item inside the truck, using the trucks lift gate to lower The Package to the ground or placing The Package anywhere that a customer might find it.
Bonus points are added if Granny misses the beginning of the funeral, but the driver finds a similar urn and delivers it (filled with a shipment of Fentanyl) just as the minister finishes the eulogy. More points are added if the grieving family cheers the driver as a hero.
Hourly reports of the position of The Package are posted on the FedEx tracking site, which the customer can see. This is where the customer service rep in India comes in. His job is to keep the customer from finding The Package. Points are added for deflective tactics such as speaking such bad English that the customer can’t understand him, rerouting the call at least eight times then hanging up, playing Indian pop music while on hold, telling the customer that a lost package has simply been redirected for better service, using any news item, such as a tornado, hurricane, earthquake or war in Ukraine as a reason for the delay, or using a slightly different voice and the same terrible English to convince the customer he is a supervisor.
Points are deducted if the customer service rep does not spend at least half of the conversation apologizing profusely, does not say he is Dave from Indiana, or if he fails to use the words ‘joyful’, ‘pleased’ or ‘delightful’ at least twice each.
WFC Packages have unique labels so that they can be found and scored after the events and don't end up on the surface of Uranus like a normal FedEx package might.
Teams are disqualified if the Customer finds The Package before the funeral, or if FedEx ever actually pays a claim on an insured package.
Late breaking news: Police report that Bambi Blindside’s Nana’s remains were stolen from her house shortly after the funeral. Investigators found a FedEx label scanner, an empty hip flask and some loose Fentanyl pills in her driveway, but can find no connection between these items and the missing urn.
Reported by DeShawn Brown, RRNN Sports expert - Playing street football and 'borrowing' money from convenience and liquor stores taught this reporter a total lack of fear and gave him an ability to create a great story to get his ass out of trouble in a pinch. He comes from a family of 8 kids.