Makers of Botox create new weight loss drug
AbbVie, the pharmaceutical company that produces Botox has just filed for FDA approval of a new weight loss drug called Explo, which uses a radical new methodology for obtaining rapid weight loss. RRNN's Tiffani Sweet interviewed AbbVie researcher, Dr. Paige Turner, about this medical breakthrough:
Well Tiffani, it's really quite simple. We just used the same thought process as we did with Botox. Let's take a deadly toxin and use it to pray on people's desire to be prettier. In this case, we have isolated the parasite Cyclospora cayetanensis, which causes an intestinal illness called cyclosporiasis. We get the little bugs from Mexican lettuce, then extract them and put them in pill form to create intestinal distress that allows the body to purge all the excess food that causes weight gain.
AbbVie reports significant weight loss in all test subjects, often within hours of taking the first Explo pill. Patients who have been slowly losing weight with GLP-1 drugs are reporting that Explo works many times faster - and without the monthly shots. The intestinal distress caused by Explo may result in minor doscomfort and occasional fecal incontinence, but most patients report that after the first messy bout, their intestines are mostly empty allowing further episodes to be handled by the use of off-the-shelf adult diapers.
Businesses, such as restaurants, are reporting long lines for restrooms and what appear to be accidents, but report that most of the accidents are inside the restroom with only occasional messes occurring at patron's tables. Carrie Plates, a waitress at a posh Los Angeles restaurant says:
"Like, the messes are an inconvenience and smell really bad, but all of our customers understand that looking just right is more important than their own comfort. Sometimes other customers will even clap and cheer for the person who had the accident. We're all like really supportive, you know."
AbbVie notes that there are some minor side effects, such as:
Explosive diarrhea, often without warning. Greasy, runny and extremely bad-smelling stool. Intense intestinal pain. Pain and swelling of the anus, which may be fatal. Lack of sexual desire in gay males. Soiling of clothing, bedding, car seats or anything else nearby is possible. Warn others nearby that you are taking Explo.
AbbVie says they look forward to helping people be all they can be with Explo.
Reported by Tiffani Sweet, RRNN Social Expert
Having almost finished an associate degree in political journalism at the Taos Institute, this reporter discovered that she is really a unicorn. She then changed her name and received a large student loan to study the real world impact of mythical creatures. She spent that money having a unicorn horn implanted in her forehead. Her pronouns are she/her because she believes nothing says feminism like a rock hard 8" horn protruding from your body. Her student loan is still outstanding.